I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
