you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
