It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
