So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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