Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
