My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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