getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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