I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
