trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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