My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
