The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
