I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
