I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He felt like a one man threesome
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
