You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
