I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
a search helicopter?!
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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