you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
