Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
