the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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