woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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