I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
