just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
