I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
