every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
