just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
