My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
