My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
