is your mom at the bar?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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