so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
