I wish i was in the wii world.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
