So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
