she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
