we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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