DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
