wrigley field is MILF paradise
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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