I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
