Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I AM VODKA MAN
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
