i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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