well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
