mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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