Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
