Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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