The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
40s are totally the cure
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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