I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
