She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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