I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
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I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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