Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
