she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize