how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize