i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
