Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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