i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
