The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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