I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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