I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
