so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
